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Organization: Queen's University at Kingston
Date: Thu, 24 Oct 1996 16:56:08 EDT
From: Derek Beattie <BEATTIED@QUCDN.QueensU.CA>
Message-ID: <96298.165608BEATTIED@QUCDN.QueensU.CA>
Newsgroups: rec.martial-arts
Subject: Humor - How to Argue
Lines: 105


(Target groups choosen at random. No offense intended. Yes this is
plagiarized)
                            How to Argue
                            ============
    * Drink Liquor.

     Suppose you're at BIGGs and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
on grappling vs. striking, a subject you know nothing about.  If you're
drinking some health-fanatic drink like diet code, You'll hang
back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your
girlfriend. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll
discover you have STRONG VIEWS about mixed style fighting. You'll be
WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights
and possibly upsetting furniture.  People will be impressed.  Some may
leave the room.


    * Make things up.

Suppose, in the grapple vs strike argument, you are trying to prove
Muay Thia fighters suck, a position you base solely on the fact that
YOU suck, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of
Muay Thia fighters be better than you. DON'T say:
"I think Muay Thai fighters suck."
Say:
"The average Muay Thia fighter competing in open martial arts tournaments
between 1975 and 1983 lost 99.4% of thier matches which is 0.5% worse
than fighters experiencing tramatic amputations during the week before
the event."

             NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up,
too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for
the Boxing Commission published Aug 1, 1985.  Didn't you read it?" Say
this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled
jock strap in my lunch bag."


    * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

             Memorize this list:

                     Let me put it this way
                     In terms of
                     Vis-a-vis
                     Per se
                     As it were
                     Qua
                     So to speak
                     Well, any-who


 You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.",
 "e.g.", and "i.e.".  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
not."

  Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to say:
"Muay Thia fighters would like to win fights but they've never been
taught to grapple."

         You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if
you say:


    "Let me put it this way.  In terms of techniques vis-a-vis Muay Thia
qua Thai boxers, they would like to use grappling moves, so to speak, but
they wouldn't know one if they tapped to one, per se, as it were.  Q.E.D."

    Only a fool would challenge that statement.


    * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

    You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at
    your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:

              You're begging the question.
              You're being defensive.
              Don't compare apples and oranges.
              What are your parameters?

    This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

         Here's how to use your comebacks:

              You say                  As Ralph Gracie said in 1969...
              Your opponent says       Ralph was born in 1972.
              You say                  You're begging the question.

                                  OR

              You say                  Thia boxers, like most Africians..
              Your opponents says      Muay Thia is from Thialand.
              You say                  You're being defensive.


    * Compare your opponent to Fred Ettish.

    This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Fred up subtly. Say:  "That
sounds suspiciously like something Fred Ettish might say" or "You
certainly do remind me of Fred Ettish."

You now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not try to pull any of this on
people who have seen the Basics of Gracie JuiJitsu tapes.